


Aching

by James_Madisin



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Reference to Minor Death, feelings of failure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 02:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/James_Madisin/pseuds/James_Madisin
Summary: Sherlock re-evaluates what is important to him as John strives to be his direction.





	Aching

The thought reverberates within his skull and fills every recess of his mind. He clutches strands of his undulating hair and tugs, as if trying to reach the brain inside and destroy it 

  
  


The memory of the small, battered body hitting the floor replays over and over in Sherlock’s mind, consuming every other thought. His eyes remain dry but become tinged red as he stares blankly at the peeling wallpaper near the door

 

_ Not smart enough  _

 

John takes a deep breath as he watches the man in front of him slowly deconstruct, mentally preparing for the argument that will inevitably take place. 

 

_ “ _ Sherlock”, he murmurs, fully aware that his words are falling upon deaf ears, “It’s okay, love”

 

The detective furrows his eyebrows, looking even more distraught and resentful. 

 

“A child died tonight, John”

His gravelly voice catches, traitorously revealing the emotion he has spent decades suppressing and concealing. 

 

“If you truly think that’s ‘okay’, then you’re more of a blithering fool than I originally suspected”

 

The insult fails to register as John places his hands over Sherlock’s own which are still deeply locked, gripping his inky curls like they’re the only thing tethering him to sanity, preventing his descent into turmoil. 

 

“Let go Sherlock”, John quietly urges, gently attempting to release his lover’s fierce hold on his dark locks. 

 

At John’s touch, Sherlock flinches and abruptly lets go of his hair, backing away from the doctor with anger and embarrassment clear on his face

 

“I’m so fucking  **stupid** ”, he hisses, his eyes flashing, “I’m bloody useless”. 

 

“No.” John walks briskly towards the detective, grasping his wrist with one hand and lifting his chin with the other, forcing eye contact 

 

“You’re not bloody stupid, Sherlock, and I’m not going to sit here and let you berate and lie to yourself. You are the most brilliant man I kn-”

 

“No John!”, he nearly screams “I’m not fucking brilliant. The Work is the _one_ thing is this whole bloody world that I’m good for. It’s the one thing I manage not to fuck up. Except for today. Today I was _too fucking slow_ and a fucking 11 year old was assaulted and then fell to her fucking **death** because of it. Because just like everything else, I failed.”

 

John opens his mouth to protest as Sherlock cuts him off with a fierce glare

 

“And don’t try to pretend this isn’t my fault because you don’t fucking  **understand** John. You were an army doctor. You’ve saved countless people from injury and eliminated innumerable threats. You’re the epitome of reliable. And I’m supposed to solve mysteries,  _ it’s what I do _ .

 

His voice cracks on the last word as he clamps his mouth shut to prevent the sobs from permeating the air

 

John grimaces and wraps Sherlock in his arms, drawing into a heap on the ground while quietly shushing his lover’s cries.

 

Sherlock weeps in John’s embrace, hating himself for the perceived unreasonable sentiment while finding himself also unable to prevent the tears from escaping his tightly-squeezed eyes. 

 

“I solve mysteries and I save lives, John. It’s what I can do” he whimpers pitifully, still plagued by the young girl’s death repeating again and again behind his eyelids.

 

“I know” John says simply, his heart broken for this tormented man “I know”

 

After what could’ve been hours or seconds, John moves the duo into the first floor bedroom, helping Sherlock change into sleepwear in his helpless state. As he slips his own trousers off, a text message from Lestrade vibrates his phone, alerting him to the fact that Sherlock’s deductions did in fact lead them to the perpetrator, even though they were indeed seconds too late to save the final victim.

  
  


John sighs and slides into his side of the bed, next to the restless, teary-eyed Sherlock. John rearranges them, placing Sherlock’s head in the nook of his neck and clutching him tightly to his own chest

 

“They caught him”, John softly murmurs, prepared for Sherlock’s body to tighten at the news, which it does.

 

“Not fast enough”, Sherlocks raspes 

 

“No”, John agrees, “It wasn’t fast enough to save that last girl. But you saved God knows how many other children from that fate. All you, and that big beautiful brain of yours. You are  **not** a failure and you are the furthest thing from useless I can fathom. And even if you woke up tomorrow unable to even think about the Work ever again, you’d still be the greatest thing in my life. It is not your skills of deduction and logical reasoning that makes me love you so dearly. My pull to you is your abounding compassion, no matter how hard you attempt to cache that wonderful sentiment at the core of your being. You are a vessel of love, so breathtaking in the passion and desire you have to do good to a world that has been nothing but bad to you. And I refuse to let you tear yourself to shreds. I  _ forbid _ you.” 

 

The tension drains from Sherlock’s body as John’s words create cracks in the fog of self-hatred and doubt within his soul. He feels himself become tethered back to reality, back to  _ John,  _ his steadfast pillar and anchor. Tears again bubble over as he is subject to the overload of love and affection he has for the man he’s lucky enough to call his own. 

 

“I love you John”, he whispers reverentially,  “You’re my savior”

 

_ Their hearts ache for each other, the feel of their skin pressed together drowning out the rolling thunder and the dark, howling wind. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys, this is my first ever Sherlock work! I'd love to hear any feedback, including criticism! I hope you enjoy xx


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